A GODLY HOME

Biblical Guidelines for Husbands, Wives and Parents

 

CONTENTS:

1. A Godly Home, by Frank and Wendy Parrish

2. Biblical Role Of A Husband, by Frank R. Parrish

3. Biblical Role Of A Wife, by Wendy Parrish

 

1. A GODLY HOME:

Biblical Guidelines For Husbands, Wives And Parents

by Frank and Wendy Parrish

 

Introduction

 

The most important decision you will make in life is whether you have received Jesus

Christ as your Lord and Savior. But the second most important decision you will

make in life is who (or if) you will marry. This second most important decision has a

lifelong impact on everything you do and everything you will become in life.

This issue of ACTS will explain what the Bible teaches about:

 

·        God’s purpose for marriage;

·        The role of a husband and wife;

·        The responsibilities of parents.

 

Some married Christian leaders mistakenly think it is more "spiritual" to spend ALL

of their time and energy in the work of ministry to others – and very little with their

family. This is completely wrong!

 

This behavior violates the biblical basis of marriage and God's expectations and

standards for a Christian marriage and home. Those who put ministry before their

family do not understand God’s very clear instructions in the Bible about marriage.

Please study this magazine – and your Bible – very carefully and allow the Holy

Spirit to deal with your heart and lifestyle in ministry. God has designed marriage to

be a strength and blessing to you. A godly marriage will help make you a much better

person and more effective minister. As you will see from this study, God places an

extremely high priority on marriage and godly order in the Christian home. This is

especially true for church leaders who – through their faithfulness to their family

responsibilities – can set a powerful example for others.

 

CHAPTER 1

The Biblical Foundation Of Marriage

 

Marriage, according to the Bible, is an institution created and ordained by God.

Therefore, the instructions for how to have a godly marriage must come from God

through His Word. We cannot make decisions about marriage based on our own

thoughts, opinions or selfish impulses. Nor can we understand what a true, godly

marriage is by using the "wisdom of this world" as seen in the customs and habits of

the culture we live in.

 

The Bible gives us a brief look at the ideal (perfect) marriage as God originally

designed it. But this ideal marriage was ruined when sin entered the world through

Adam and Eve. All human relationships, including those recorded in the Bible, show

the distorting and destructive effects of sin. We can see this especially in marriages.

 

We see around us many examples – and often tragic results – of man’s will in

marriage. But what is God’s will and heart concerning marriage? To answer this

question, we need to understand what God has revealed in His Word about marriage.

 

This will help our own marriage – and the marriages and homes of those we lead –

become all that God intends.

 

A. Man and Woman: Created In God’s Image

 

Marriage is the first institution established by God, before the Fall and the entrance of

sin into the human race. God established marriage – between one man and one

woman – as the normal pattern for humanity.

 

God created man and woman in His image. "Then God said, ‘Let us make man

[Hebrew adam, meaning “human race”] in Our image, according to Our likeness…So

God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and

female He created them" (Gen 1:26,27). This text teaches us several important

principles:

 

1. God designed and created the human race to have both male and female form.

 

2. Both the man and woman were created in God's own "image" and "likeness".

 

"Image” and “likeness" do not refer to our physical form, but rather to our spiritual,

mental and moral nature. "Image" means our capacity to think; learn; experience

emotions; appreciate beauty; use our imagination; make choices; love and be loved;

have relationships; know what is good and right.

 

3. Since man and woman were both created in God's "image" and "likeness," they

have equal value in God’s sight, and in God’s plan for humanity and the world. Man

is not inferior to woman; woman is not inferior to man. This foundational truth is vital

to understanding God’s view of marriage. This equality of man and woman in their

value and worth to God is seen in the authority and responsibilities God has given

them to share:

 

·        Both man and woman are to have “dominion" over the rest of God's

creation. “Male and female He created them. Then God blessed them,

and God said to them, ‘Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and

subdue it; have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the

air, and over every living thing that moves on the earth” (Gen

1:27,28). The Hebrew word for "dominion" includes the idea of

stewardship; it is not cruelly “lording over”, but rather lovingly caring

for and nurturing what is entrusted to you (see Genesis 2:15).

 

·        Man and woman are to have children and raise them together;

 

·         Man and woman are to be partners – enjoying a close, loving

relationship with each other and with their Creator.

 

The Bible clearly teaches that God intended man and woman to have total

partnership in every aspect of life.

 

B. Adam’s Need For A Partner

 

In Genesis 2:18, God declares: "It is not good that man should be alone." God then

brings the animals to Adam, so that Adam can name them (v.19). In the Scriptures, to

name something is to establish authority (“have dominion”) over it. Naming the

animals also showed Adam that "there was not found a helper comparable to him" in

the rest of creation (v.20).

 

These verses reveal important insights into the heart of God and His view of marriage.

God already knew that Adam was without anyone comparable to him; thus He had

already determined to create someone for him. Eve was not an accidental afterthought

in God's mind!

 

One might wonder why there is a delay between the creation of Adam and the

creation of Eve. The fact that Adam (man) was created before Eve (woman) does

NOT make him superior to her. Animals were created before Adam (Gen 1:20-25),

but that does NOT make animals superior to man.

 

God has a divine purpose in the timing of events. He is already intimately aware of

our need, but He does at times delay meeting that need in order to fulfill His plan and

purpose.

 

In Genesis Chapter 2, we share in Adam’s suspense as he names the animals. Perhaps

they came before him in pairs like they did to Noah's ark (Gen 6:19; 7:9). We can

sense some of Adam's longing and hope as he names each of the animals until all

have passed. Yet when he is done, he realizes there is no one comparable to him.

Perhaps the reason for the divine delay is so that Adam himself would come to realize

how thoroughly he needed a partner who would be “comparable to him”. He would

then receive his partner with gratitude, and appreciate the wonderful gift God had

given him.

 

C. Eve: Adam’s Perfect Partner

 

God created Eve to be the perfect partner and companion to Adam. She, like Adam,

was created in God's image and likeness (Gen 1:27). Having the same image and

likeness allowed them to share everything together – spiritually, mentally,

emotionally and physically. In Genesis 2:23, Adam declares Eve to be equal to him in

regard to their humanity. This supports the fact that Adam and Eve – man and woman - have a similar nature, both created in the image and likeness of God.

 

The term used in Genesis 2:18 to describe Eve as "a helper comparable" to Adam is

the Hebrew word ezer. This word means "helper", "assistant", or "a support". So Eve

was "a helper matching him [Adam]”.

 

The word ezer comes from the Hebrew word azar, which is often used to describe

God's assistance to Israel or to individuals (see Psalm 10:14 as an example). The word

ezer is also used to describe God as the Helper of those who trust in Him (as in Psalm

33:20).

 

Therefore, the word “helper” in describing Eve does not necessarily imply inferiority

or weakness. The "helper" is not less than the one being helped. The very need for a

helper means that the strength of the one being helped is not sufficient by itself.

In 1Peter 3:7, the Bible does use the term “weaker vessel” for the wife. However, this

refers to her lesser physical strength and her vulnerability as a woman; it does not

mean that a wife is inferior to her husband. (Remember, this verse also refers to

“giving honor to the wife”.)

 

Eve was created to complement Adam. The word "complement" means that which

completes; or that which must be added to make a symmetrical whole.

Adam needed a helper comparable to him in order to have children, enjoy a sexual

relationship, and have help with work. BUT, God intended even more than that: the

full partnership of a man and a woman. He created marriage so that man and woman

would experience the joy and strength that comes from true companionship and

mutual sharing and support in all of life's responsibilities. What a loving Creator we

have! He created us to be a joy and a fulfillment to one another in a loving

relationship as husband and wife.

 

Genesis 2:21-22 reaffirms this. God used a rib from Adam to form Eve. God did not

use a bone from Adam's head, to represent him being over her. Nor did God use a

bone from Adam’s foot, to show that Eve was to be lower than him. God formed Eve

using a rib, to clearly represent her created place by Adam's side – protected under his

arm and close by to stand with him and support him (see Proverbs 31:10-31;

Ecclesiastes 4:9,10). God intended marriage to be a relationship of intimacy and

harmony, strength and joy, support and fulfillment.

 

D. Some Fundamental Principles Of Marriage

 

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and

they shall become one flesh” (Gen 2:24).

 

In Genesis 2:24 Moses, under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, continues to reveal to

us the basic foundations of the marriage relationship. This verse shows us that

marriage is more than a relationship based on convenience, or just emotional or

physical attraction.

 

Scripture reveals three fundamental principles to us here. It is important for us to

grasp these principles if we are to fully understand the marriage union in God's

created order.

 

  1. "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother".

 

In a traditional translation, “leave” would suggest that the man is to physically move

away from his parents and set up his household elsewhere. But the Hebrew word in

this case would more accurately be translated "forsake". However, this should not be

taken to mean that a man should no longer have relationship with his parents (see

Exodus 20:12 and Leviticus 19:3).

 

"Forsaking" should be understood to mean “changing one's priorities”. When a single

man or woman live with their parents, their first obligation is to their parents. But

when they marry, their first obligation changes – it is now to each other as husband

and wife. This means that for the married couple, their parents are no longer free to

command them or have authority over them. The husband and wife now form a

complete unit. Their first responsibility is now to each other.

A married couple should not abandon their relationships or responsibilities to parents

and other family members. However, once they are married, their first priority is their

spouse.

 

2. "…and be joined to his wife…".

The Hebrew word translated "joined" is dabaq. It means to “cling to” or “stick to”

one’s spouse. This gives the idea of both passion and permanence that should

characterize marriage.

 

Passion

Dabaq is also used in Genesis 34:3 to describe the passion in Shechem's love for

Dinah: "His soul clave unto [‘clung to’] Dinah the daughter of Jacob, and he loved

the damsel and spake kindly unto the damsel" (kjv).

 

This same word is also used to exhort Israel to “stick to” the Lord: "You shall fear the

Lord your God; you shall serve Him, and to Him you shall hold fast [stick to], and

take oaths in His Name" (Deut 10:20; see also 11:22).

 

Permanence

Unlike the rest of creation, man and woman were made in God's image. Human

beings were created for the security, fulfillment and joy that can come only from

stable, life-long committed relationships. Animals, by contrast, breed by instinct

alone. It does not matter who the partner is. Animals may have many mates

throughout their life.

 

Man and woman, however, were designed by God to have a life-long marriage to one

mate. When God instituted marriage, He intended for the marriage of a man and

woman to last for a lifetime. Our human nature, as created and intended by God,

needs and requires a stable long-term relationship with one spouse.

 

Jesus reinforces this principle of permanency in marriage in Matthew 19:6: “What

God has joined together, let not man separate”.

 

God has designed marriage to be permanent. In Malachi 2:16, God declares that He

"hates divorce" and is opposed to it. He is fully aware of the destruction that comes to

the couple, the children, and the many others who are affected when a marriage is

destroyed. [Note: Read the more in-depth study on divorce later in this article.]

 

3. "…and they shall become one flesh…". The term "one flesh" has a number of

important implications.

 

Sexual Union

From God's original created order we can see that sexual expression between a

husband and wife is designed by God. However, the beauty of human sexuality has

become twisted and misunderstood because of the distorting power of sin.

 

Some people, in the name of religious holiness and piety, have treated human sexual

expression as something that is dirty and shameful and only to be barely tolerated. But

this cannot be supported from Scripture.

 

Others have allowed lust and covetousness to rule them, and have turned sexuality

into something that is cheap, crude and selfish. They neglect to cherish this important

expression of love and intimacy, and fail to reserve it only for their spouse.

 

The God Who created us gave us a physical body, a soul (mind, will and emotions),

and a spiritual nature. Our whole being – body, soul and spirit – is to become one

with our spouse as we grow in marriage.

 

Our human sexual expression touches every part of our being. Becoming “one flesh”

involves not only physical, but emotional and spiritual bonding and intimacy as well.

This is why God intended for human sexuality to be experienced only within the

safety, sanctity and permanence of the marriage union, with one other person.

 

God forbids sexual experiences outside of the marriage relationship. The Scriptures

call such experiences “adultery” and “fornication” – sin! God never intended for

people to have sexual experiences outside of marriage. The consequences of such

experiences are very destructive to us personally and very damaging to our

relationship with God. (Please read 1Corinthians 6:15-20 for more insight.)

 

[Note: The importance of the sexual union in marriage is studied in more detail later

in this article.]

 

Children

 

Nowhere else do we see more clearly “two becoming one” than in the conceiving and

bearing of children. Children are a direct product of the marriage relationship. They

are a blend of both parents – two different people coming together to make one

person. Children are a combination of both the appearance and personality of each

parent.

 

Children are the precious fruit or “heritage” (Ps 127:3-5) given by God to bless the

marriage union. The marriage relationship as God intended it – a man and woman

being joined as “one flesh” for life – also provides a secure setting in which to bring

forth children (Gen 1:28) and to raise them to know and love the Lord, His laws, and

to relate properly to others (Deut 6:1-9).

 

One In Spirit

 

A husband and wife are more than marriage partners. As Christians, they are also

brothers and sisters in Christ. A Christian husband and wife, as believers, are related

spiritually through the blood of Jesus (Eph 2:10-18). They are both members of

Christ’s Body, and part of the family of God.

 

Scripture gives hundreds of exhortations as to how we are to treat one another in the

Body of Christ. The bond of mutual love, care and consideration goes even deeper for

a husband and wife. We must give great care to our relationship with our beloved

spouse, who is also our brother or sister in the Lord.

 

E. The Covenant Of Marriage

 

The same terms used to describe the relationship between husband and wife are

frequently used in Scripture to describe Israel’s covenant with the Lord. This is not

accidental, but a purposeful use of language. This is because the marriage

relationship was to reflect the relationship between God and His people Israel.

The Old Testament prophets often used marriage as an allegory (type or picture) of

the relationship between God and His people Israel. They likened God's relationship

with Israel to a faithful husband married to one wife (Isa 54:5,6; Jer 3:14; Hos

2:19,20). To turn away from a relationship with the one true God and turn instead to

another (as in idol-worship) was like the sin of adultery (Jer 3:8,9; Ezek 23:37).

But God was like a faithful husband to faithless Israel (Isa 54:5; study also the Book

of Hosea). God did not reject Israel even when He brought judgment upon them for

their unfaithfulness. He was always calling them back to renew their "marriage

covenant" with Him. What an inspiring picture of God's love and grace, and of the

importance He places on covenant relationship!

 

The use of covenant terms for marriage – “forsake”, “stick to” or “cling to”, and

“one” – reveals two powerful truths:

 

First, marriage in its most ideal form is an image or "type" of the kind of relationship

the Church is to have with Her Bridegroom the Lord Jesus Christ (see Ephesians 5:22-

32). This most important of all relationships is the ultimate fulfillment of God’s

covenant with His people through our Savior, Jesus Christ.

 

Second, marriage in the Old Testament was much more than just a convenient way to

further the human race through having offspring. Rather, the union of a man and

woman in marriage is the first institution established by God and should therefore be

regarded as a holy relationship.

 

Marriage is a sacred covenant relationship between a man and a woman. Marriage

is sacred and holy in the eyes of God (Matt 19:6). It is a long-term commitment that

requires personal sacrifice and the full involvement of each spouse. Therefore,

marriage should not be entered into lightly or with only selfish desires in mind.

The covenant of marriage is a sacred, life-long agreement between one man and one

woman. Once this agreement is entered into, it remains in effect at all times. It is to be

adhered to even when it is inconvenient, difficult or seemingly unfulfilling. The

marriage covenant is a sacred binding agreement for life. There are great blessings

for upholding the marriage vows and cherishing your spouse – and sad and serious

consequences for breaking those covenant vows.

 

CHAPTER 2:

Marriage After The Fall

 

Both the Old and New Testaments reveal the damage caused by Adam's willful choice

to rebel against God's commands (Gen 2:15-17; Genesis 3). The fall from innocence

of Adam and Eve, and the entry of sin into God's creation, has had a disastrous effect

upon:

·        the created universe (Rom 8:20-22)

·        all plant life (Gen 3:17-19)

·        all animal life (Isa 65:25)

 

A. Distortion Of Human Relationships

At the Fall, Adam and Eve lost their sinless harmony of relationship with God (Gen

3:8-10). Adam and Eve's relationship with each other also began to deteriorate as

Adam blamed and accused his wife for his own choice to disobey (Gen 3:12). They

entered into a life of separation from, and struggle with, the rest of God's creation

(Gen 3:17-19, 23,24).

 

Because of this distorting effect of sin on all human relationships, God had to take

drastic measures to reorder the lives of now-fallen human beings (Gen 3:16-19).

To the woman God says that her pains in pregnancy would be greatly increased

(v.16a). Remember that the woman was created to be man's helpmate and the joyful

mother of children (Gen 1:27,28; 2:18,23,24). But after the Fall, having a large family

with many children was going to become more difficult.

 

Next God says to the woman, "Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall

rule over you" (v.16b). Though there is some difficulty in correctly translating the

original Hebrew in this verse, the best interpretation is as follows: "Desire" in Genesis

3:16 is not sexual desire; rather, it reflects the presence of sin distorting what God had

created woman to be.

 

As discussed previously, God had made woman as a “helper” to man (2:18), to rule

with him in daily life (1:27,28). Sin, however, allowed the entrance of wrong desires.

A woman’s fleshly desire would now be to seek independence from the man – even to

possibly desire to rule over him.

 

In order to better understand this, let us examine the same Hebrew word for “desire”

as it is used in Genesis 4:7. In this instance, God is explaining to Cain the power of

sin and that sin’s “desire is for you”. God then tells Cain, “but you should rule over

it” (4:7). Sin would desire to rule and control Cain, but God tells Cain to instead rule

over sin (which, sadly, he does not do).

 

In Genesis 3:16, God tells Eve that Adam will "rule over" her. God is not, however,

commanding Adam to dominate Eve; rather, He is describing a change produced by

the distorting power of sin in human hearts and human society. God’s original created

order had now been drastically changed. Because of sin, woman would now desire to

rule in the place of authority. Man would have to strive to resist this attempt, and was

to “rule over” the woman.

 

The full effects of sin’s distortion are clearly seen in Scripture, and in the world

around us even to this day. The Bible account of Jezebel shows the extreme results of

a woman giving in to the desire to dominate (1Ki 16,18,19,21; 2Ki 9). There was

much heartache and destruction caused by sin that was out of control in Jezebel’s life.

To this day, there are women who desire to dominate and control their husbands, their

relationships and their circumstances. Their families and many others suffer from this

destructive behavior.

 

In this same Biblical account, the story of Jezebel’s husband Ahab shows the results

of a man giving up his God-given responsibilities (1Ki 21:1-16, 23-26). The

abandoning of his role also had tragic consequences. Even to this day, men who give

in to human and fleshly tendencies react to responsibility by “letting someone else

take it”. A man may not lead his family properly, or may not work to provide for his

spouse and children. He may want to blame his wife or his circumstances for his own

failures. He may even try to cruelly dominate and control his wife. In some cultures,

women are treated as animals or as possessions to be traded or sold. This is the tragic

result of sin having its way in a person’s life.

 

All of this is quite different from God’s original intent at Creation. Man and woman

were made to complement one another and co-rule together. Adam had been given a

certain amount of authority over Eve as he was created first and named her twice

(Gen 2:21-23; 3:20). However, it was not an authority to dominate her, but rather to

be a servant/leader to her. God gave Adam the responsibility to love and cherish Eve,

to protect her, to provide for her, and to lead her and their family. And God gave Eve

the responsibility of supporting and helping Adam in all of his God-given

responsibilities.

 

The relationship God originally intended for man and woman was not threatening or

difficult for them. They both understood that God designed the marriage relationship

for their mutual blessing. Before the Fall, Adam and Eve walked in the beauty and

simplicity of a God-ordered marriage. Man lovingly cared for his wife, and she

graciously received his care and gave her support back to him. They ruled together,

loving and supporting one another.

 

However, the entrance of sin allowed for the entrance of distorted desires. Man and

woman would now have to struggle with the consequences of sin, which included

competition, striving, selfishness, dominance and rebellion (among other things).

Their natural, human tendencies would now be different than what God had originally

intended for them. Woman would desire to dominate or control; man would desire to

abandon his place of leadership – or would strive in his own strength to regain his

place of leadership by dominating his wife or behaving cruelly toward her.

 

Things would now be much more difficult for men and women. Even after the

entrance of sin, God reminded Adam that he still had the responsibility to provide for

his family, but that it would be through hard labor (Gen 3:17-19; 1Tim 5:8). Man's

shortened life would be marked by labor and toil, woman’s by pain in childbirth; and

they would both suffer the painful distortions caused by the entrance of sin into the

husband/wife relationship.

 

Christ’s Redemptive Work

 

The tragic effects of sin on the marriage relationship are still very evident today. One

might be tempted to feel discouraged and hopeless about the possibilities in marriage.

But we have the “good news” of the Gospel of Jesus Christ to encourage us!

 

Christ’s death broke the power of sin and the curse upon mankind (Rom 5:12-21).

Christ came, died as a sacrifice, and rose again to restore people to a personal

relationship with God (Col 1:19-23). Full relationship with God had not been possible

since sin’s entrance into the human race at the Fall. All of mankind lay under the

curse of sin (which is death and separation from God) until Christ came to set the

captives free (John 8:34-36; Heb 2:10-18).

 

Before receiving Christ, we are spiritually “dead” in our trespasses and sins (Eph 2:1-

3). But when we receive Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior, our spirit becomes alive

(Eph 2:4-10). The spiritual blinders that covered our eyes and kept us from seeing

God and His ways are now removed. We can live very differently than we did before

receiving Christ.

 

Christ’s redeeming work made it possible for our minds and hearts to be transformed

and renewed (Rom 12:1,2; Eph 4:22-24). We can repent of our sins, be forgiven, and

be restored little by little into the kind of people God originally intended men and

women to be (2Cor 3:18).

 

The Scriptures tell us that we, as Christians, now have the mind of Christ (1Cor 2:16).

His will and His ways can now enter our thoughts, and we can understand what God

wants us to do. We are a “new creation” and the “former things are passed away”

(2Cor 5:17). What we once were before Christ – and how we once thought – can now

be completely different.

 

As Christians, we have the Holy Spirit living inside of us. We now have His power to

help us deny our sinful and selfish desires; we are no longer slaves to sin, but free to

live according to God’s original design. We can choose not to take offense, but be

understanding and quick to forgive. What a difference Jesus Christ and His Spirit can

make in our marriage!

 

As a man and woman submit themselves to God’s transforming and renewing work

by the power of the Holy Spirit, they are changed from the inside out. As they are

returned more and more into the image of God, their marriage will also become more

of what God intended marriage to be at Creation.

 

Jesus came to restore what had been lost through sin. Jesus’ work was one of

restoration and redemption. We have a great hope that no matter what has happened

in our past, it can be healed, redeemed and restored. We can be free of the bondage

that results from sinful and destructive behavior.

 

Many New Testament scriptures encourage redeemed believers in Jesus Christ about

what is now possible in relationships with others, and especially in marriage. We can

love each other as Christ loves us (1Cor 13; 1John 4:7-11). We can be patient, kind

and gentle (Gal 5:22,23). It may take time and hard work to deny our fleshly desires

and become more Christlike; but it is well worth the effort, since we can then enjoy

good and godly relationships with our spouse and others.

 

B. God's Standards Do Not Change

 

Sin may have distorted the standards men and women have for marriage. But God’s

standards for marriage have NOT changed.

 

Genesis 1:27,28 and 2:18,21-24 show us what God intended the marriage relationship

to be. Other Bible passages, however, show how sinful human beings have distorted

the marriage relationship.

 

1. Polygamy – Having More Than One Wife

 

This marriage practice was first seen in Genesis 4:19. Beginning with Lamech, sinful

humanity’s decline from God’s created order can be clearly seen in marriage.

God intended the marriage relationship to be a vital union between one man and one

woman (Gen 2:24; see also Matthew 19:5; 1Timothy 3:2; Titus 1:6).

 

Scripture reveals that polygamy (multiple wives) was practiced by the Patriarchs (Gen

29:21-30) and by many of Israel's kings (1Sam 25:43; 27:3; 30:5-18; 2Sam 2:2; 5:13;

12:11; 19:5; 1 Kings 11:1-11). This was against the commands of God’s law (Deut

17:17). This practice continued in Israel even in the time of Christ.

 

It is important to remember that polygamy (taking multiple wives) is never sanctioned

by Scripture. God's original design – for one man and one woman to be joined in the

sacred covenant of marriage for a lifetime – is still His ideal.

 

This is certainly in accord with the Creation account. We also see this in the writings

of the Old Testament prophets, who likened God's relationship with Israel to a faithful

husband married to one wife (Isa 54:5,6; Jer 3:14; Hos 2:19,20).

 

The New Testament never sanctions having more than one wife. In fact, one of the

requirements for leadership in the New Testament Church is that a man must be

“blameless, the husband of one wife” (1Tim 3:2).

 

2. Solving The Problem Of Polygamy

 

Today, polygamy is still practiced in many places; perhaps even in your church there

are those who have multiple wives. Since God's original ideal at Creation was for one

man to be married to one woman – and since this is still the pattern for New

Testament believers – what can you do to counsel those who have multiple wives?

They certainly should not be condemned or removed from your church. They most

likely acquired multiple wives before they became Christians.

 

However, no man who is a committed disciple of Jesus Christ should be attempting to

have more than one wife. But if a man already has more than one wife, what should

he do? Should he divorce or send away all but one wife? What about the children?

What does Scripture recommend?

 

The problem of polygamy in the Church is a difficult one. But there are principles we

can learn from Scripture that will guide us as we sensitively and obediently follow the

leading of the Holy Spirit.

 

First, James 1:5 tells us that "if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, Who

gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him."

With this Spirit-given wisdom, let us look at some scriptures together. 1Timothy 5:8

reads, "But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his

household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." This clearly

shows that it would be a violation of Scripture to not provide for all wives. Even

though having multiple wives is not what God intended, the husband is still

responsible for the women he married and the children they produced. Those women

have surrendered their independence by marrying that man, and their children are his

responsibility as well.

 

Scripture does not forbid a man who has multiple wives, or any of his wives, from

participating in church meetings. Scripture does, however, forbid a man who has

multiple wives from becoming a leader or elder in the church (1Tim 3:2).

 

3. Divorce In The Bible

 

God hates divorce. “‘For the Lord God of Israel says that He hates divorce, for it

covers one's garments with violence,’ says the Lord of hosts. ‘Therefore take heed to

your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously’” (Mal 2:16).

 

It is essential to remember that, whether or not you were a Christian when you got

married, marriage is a sacred covenant to God. It is a lifelong joining of two people

into "one flesh" (Gen 2:24). This means that each partner – both husband and wife –

must maintain, promote, support and preserve the commitment of marriage as a

lifelong relationship. This is how God designed marriage to be.

 

To initiate divorce is to do violence to God's order for the marriage covenant (Mal

2:16).

 

Because marriage is a covenant relationship established by God, He makes available

all the love, wisdom and power of a covenant-keeping God! He is committed to help

keep and protect marriage. God established marriage, and He stands behind marriage

with all of His power and authority. Marriage can be weakened and hurt only when

we ourselves allow lust, covetousness, neglect, “busy”ness, anger, selfishness, pride

or other sin to interfere in our relationship.

 

Jesus Himself also stresses the sanctity of the covenant of marriage. Jesus reinforces

God's ideal of a lifelong and unbroken relationship between husband and wife (Matt

19:4-6).

 

Why does God so strongly oppose divorce? It is for the same reasons God opposes

any sin. First, sin is a violation of God's moral order as revealed in His Word, the

Bible. Sin is a direct rebellion against the expressed will of God. Therefore, any sin

committed -- no matter how well justified or rationalized -- is first and foremost

against the holy Person of God Himself.

 

Second, sin is severely destructive to the person who participates in it! This can be

clearly seen in the case of divorce. Much brokenness and pain occurs in the sinful

behavior that leads to divorce. Both the husband and wife suffer from hurtful words

and selfish actions. This is the result of tearing something apart that has been welded

together – both pieces are badly damaged. In addition, the children of the divorced

couple also suffer, and can be emotionally damaged and hurt.

 

God hates divorce not just because it is wrong. He hates divorce also because of the

sin, brokenness and pain that cause divorce and result from it. It grieves God to see

children without the care and provision of both parents. God hates the betrayal of

adultery. He hates all that comes with divorce.

 

God does hate divorce – but He does not hate the people who get divorced. God

understands that people are distorted by sin, and that we bring sin and brokenness into

all of our relationships. He knows we sometimes give in to our lustful desires, or

make very bad decisions in the midst of conflict. He does not approve of this

behavior; therefore He has provided a righteous way of escape when we are tempted

(1Cor 10:13).

 

But when a man or woman choose their own selfish way, God understands the painful

consequences of that sin. Therefore, there is some important discussion regarding

divorce and remarriage in the Bible.

 

Old Testament

 

Deuteronomy 24:1-4 explains a procedure by which a husband may divorce his wife.

This passage does NOT give a divine sanction for divorce, and should NOT be used

as a blanket excuse for divorcing one’s husband or wife. Rather, it is an

acknowledgement of the sad fact that, because of human sin and brokenness, divorce

has occurred among the Israelites.

 

New Testament

 

One group of Pharisees in Jesus' time interpreted the “uncleanness” of Deuteronomy

24:1 to mean adultery. Thus, according to this group, adultery provided the only

reason for divorce. But another group of more liberal Pharisees claimed that you

could divorce a woman "for just any reason" (Matt 19:3), even just for personal

dislike.

 

Jesus responds to both claims by reinforcing God’s covenant principle within

marriage (Matt 19:4-9). He points out that the only reason God allowed Moses to

permit divorce was the hardness of human hearts (Matt 19:8). In every broken

marriage covenant there is a heart hardened against one’s mate, and against God’s

desire for marriage.

 

The difficulties and challenges encountered in every marriage could ultimately lead to

divorce – IF a husband or wife follow their natural, fleshly inclinations and allow

their heart to be hardened.

 

But Jesus reminds us that a hardened heart is not the best way. God is the One Who

joins people in marriage, and He can change and soften hearts. Restoration of the

marriage is always the best solution. Jesus strongly supports God's original creation

design and states bluntly, “They are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God

has joined together, let not man separate” (Matt 19:6). Jesus makes it clear that

believers must strive to preserve the marriage bond.

 

Scripture does allow a single exception for divorce: If one spouse commits sexual

immorality, the other spouse does have grounds for divorce (Matt 19:9). However,

even in this case, Jesus makes it clear that divorce was not God’s original desire for

marriage. “From the beginning” He reminds us, “it was not so” (v.8b). God is seen

throughout the Scriptures as a God of redemption. He is the One Who provides the

grace for repentance and forgiveness to bring people and situations back into

wholeness. Thus, restoration of a damaged marriage, NOT divorce, is clearly God’s

highest desire.

 

Paul’s Teaching On Divorce

 

Paul also confronts the issue of divorce and remarriage in his first letter to the

Corinthian church. In 1Corinthians 7, he gives both general and specific instructions

regarding marriage relationships.

 

Like Jesus, Paul affirms the sanctity of the covenant relationship of husband and

wife; he therefore reinforces the permanency of the bond of marriage.

Paul makes it clear that a Christian wife or husband should not depart from their

marriage. “Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to

depart from her husband. But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be

reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife” (1Cor 7:10,11).

 

But Paul, realizing the potential for human failure, mentions that one spouse might

still depart (v.11). However, if a Christian husband or wife departs from the marriage,

they are not to marry someone else (1Cor 7:10,11). [Note: Though Paul addresses this

from a woman’s perspective, the principle applies to both men and women.]

 

If the husband and wife do not reconcile and therefore choose to live apart, they are to

remain single (not remarry) and celibate -- in other words, Scripture forbids them

from engaging in any sexual activity with another person. They may only remarry the

spouse they divorced; or, if one dies, the other is then free to remarry another Believer

(1Cor 7:39).

 

It is God’s desire that a husband and wife be reconciled to each other. It is God’s

desire that forgiveness, reconciliation and renewed commitment to the marriage

covenant be the primary goal of the husband and wife.

 

4. Marriage To An Unbeliever

 

What if a Christian is married to a non-Christian (unbeliever)? Paul, as a founding

apostle appointed by God (1Cor 1:1) and writing under the inspiration of the Holy

Spirit, addresses this issue in 1 Corinthians 7:12-16.

 

(NOTE: Paul does say in 7:12, “but to the rest I, not the Lord, say…”. Jesus did not

address this issue, so Paul does. It is important to remember that Paul was speaking

with an anointing and authority no other person has today. There are modern-day

apostles but they do not function with the same authority as did Paul or the other New

Testament apostles. Paul does go on to say in 7:25, “Now concerning virgins [single

adults]: I have no commandment from the Lord [as to whether they are supposed to

marry or not]; yet I give judgment as one whom the Lord in His mercy has made

trustworthy” (see also 7:40). No other person has the authority or a “word” that is at

the same level as, let alone supercedes, the written Word of God. The Bible is

complete, and should never be changed, added to or subtracted from; read and

memorize Revelation 22:18,19!)

 

The Bible is very clear that NO believer in Jesus Christ should marry a

NONbeliever in Jesus Christ. This would make them “unequally yoked”. [Study 2

Corinthians 6:14-7:1 for more on this subject.]

 

However, in 1 Corinthians 7:12-16, Paul deals with the issue of a believer who is

already married to an unbeliever (it is likely in the situation Paul describes that one

spouse became a believer after the marriage took place). Or, unfortunately, in spite of

the very clear Scriptural warnings against it, a believer sometimes disobeys and

marries an unbeliever.

 

Paul gives the following guidelines for a believer who is married to an unbeliever:

 

·        If the unbeliever wants to remain with the believing spouse, then the couple should

definitely remain married (1Cor 7:12,13). The believing spouse can possibly be a holy

influence on the unbelieving spouse, and likewise on the children (vs.14,16).

 

·         If the unbelieving spouse initiates a divorce, then the believer is “not under

bondage” to keep the marriage together (v.15). (Paul does not comment in this

passage as to whether the believer is then free to remarry.)

 

Scripture makes it clear that divorce is NOT God’s best for His people. Those who

commit themselves to live by scriptural principles in marriage will not consider

divorce as an option.

 

However, because of the presence of sin in human hearts, many people – including,

sadly, some Christians – may feel unable or unwilling to keep the marriage covenant.

But remember – divorce is allowable only in the case of sexual immorality or if an

unbeliever departs and divorces the believer. Even in these instances, divorce should

be the last option.

 

Remarriage For The Believer

 

The Bible does not allow for many of our modern ideas and practices concerning

divorce and remarriage. Many people mistakenly believe that a Believer who has

divorced for any reason can remarry. But this is not the case. The Scriptures teach us

that a Christian can remarry only when:

 

·         His/her first spouse committed sexual immorality and the marriage

ended in divorce (Matt 5:32; 19:9)

 

·        His/her spouse has died (Rom 7:3)

 

Some may add that a spouse abandoned by an unbeliever can also remarry: “But if the

unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such

cases” (1Cor 7:15). This verse does state that the abandoned spouse is “not under

bondage” (they are free from marital obligation to the spouse that departed). But it

does not state whether or not the abandoned spouse is then free to remarry.

 

We must carefully consider the consequences of our actions when contemplating

marriage, divorce or remarriage. God has made it clear that marriage is a serious

covenant, intended to be made once for a lifetime. According to the Bible, Christians

do NOT have the option to divorce and remarry, except under very limited

circumstances (as already discussed).

 

The destructive effects of sin in people, and thus in their relationships, can create

terrible circumstances in a home. Terrible arguing or violence may take place, leading

to harm or physical abuse. This is NEVER acceptable behavior for believers. But

when these situations do occur, the Bible does not specifically address what a

marriage partner is to do. HOWEVER, if there is sinful behavior that threatens to

destroy a marriage or harm a family member, help should be sought out immediately.

Through counseling, prayer, and biblical teaching on godly and loving behavior,

people and their marriages can be protected and preserved.

 

When Is Remarriage A Sin?

 

Despite the clear instructions of Scripture, there are still occasions when Christians

break their marriage covenant, and divorce outside the limits of what Scripture

permits. Often, remarriage to another person follows. Sadly, the desire for a different

marriage partner is often why a spouse divorces.

 

Jesus addressed divorcing for the purpose of remarrying in Matthew 5:31,32 and

19:1-9. He was speaking to the Pharisees, who were divorcing their wives for the sole

reason of marrying another woman. Jesus made it clear that this behavior is

unacceptable for both men and women – neither should ever consider divorce so that

they can marry another.

 

Those who divorce and remarry outside of what the Bible permits have, as Jesus said,

“committed adultery” (Matthew 19:9). They have broken their marriage covenant

without scriptural cause; they have then added to their sin by marrying another and

thereby committing adultery.

 

Many believers are mistakenly taught that this type of unscriptural divorce and

remarriage is acceptable. It is NOT! Divorce without scriptural cause, followed by

remarriage to another, is a serious sin.

 

Once a believer faces the fact that he/she has committed this type of adultery, he/she

must:

 

·        come to God in true and heartfelt repentance

 

·        ask for God’s forgiveness and be cleansed of this unrighteousness

 

·         humbly and prayerfully consider what else they should do to make

right the wrongs they have committed (such as providing for the children

they may have abandoned from a prior marriage).

 

Is A Second Marriage Valid?

 

Though remarriage under unscriptural circumstances is not God’s ideal, the Bible

does seem to indicate that a second marriage is a valid covenant.

 

Deuteronomy 24:1-4 describes a woman who has been divorced because of

“uncleanness” (v.1). The Bible says that when she remarries, she “becomes another

man’s wife” (v.2). Thus, the Bible acknowledges that the two became husband and

wife in covenant marriage, even though it was her second marriage.

 

However, believers must be warned that they cannot continue the pattern of divorce

and remarriage based on selfish desires and unscriptural terms. If they do, they are

destroying their Christian character and making themselves displeasing to God – and

they will surely account for such willful rebellion against God and His Word.

 

As a church leader, you must be wary of men or women who claim to be believers,

yet have been divorced and remarried numerous times for unscriptural reasons –

especially after they have learned what the Bible teaches about the subject. They may

appear godly, or even to have gifts for ministry. But if their lives reflect

unrighteousness (Matt 7:15-20; 2Tim 3:1-9) and a lack of repentance, they may

attempt to pull others into their adulterous behavior.

 

Divorce In Our Unsaved Past

 

There may be some in your church who were married and divorced before they

received Christ and became His disciples. This is very common in our world today.

Before Christ comes into their hearts, people are led by their sinful and selfish desires.

This can result in many broken marriages and emotionally wounded people.

 

Once people receive Christ as Savior, their sins are forgiven (Eph 1:7; Col 2:13). God

even declares that He has forgotten their former evil deeds (Heb 10:17). Everyone

who receives Christ has become a new creature, with a new nature. “Therefore, if

anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all

things have become new” (2Cor 5:17).

 

Self-condemnation over sin committed before salvation is NOT from God, and is not

pleasing to God (Rom 8:1). We can – we must – receive God’s full forgiveness

purchased for us on the Cross by His Son, Jesus Christ.

 

It is unfortunate that new believers may have divorce and adultery in their past. They

can rarely go back and fix the wrongs they have done. But they must realize that these

things are part of the darkness of their unsaved past. As a “new creature in Christ”

they must now “walk as children of light” (Eph 5:8) – through good works (Eph

2:10), setting a Christ-like example (1Tim 4:12), and witnessing for Christ (Acts 1:8).

Some preachers have said that a new Christian who is divorced and remarried should

divorce their current spouse, and try to reconcile with their original spouse. But this

would mean dissolving yet another marriage covenant.

 

Paul exhorts that we should be “forgetting those things [sinful deeds] which are

behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead” and “press toward the

goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus” (Phil 3:13,14).

 

Conclusion

 

The issue of divorce and remarriage is a very difficult and painful one. Scripture does

not give us a detailed set of rules that cover every possible circumstance. However,

the Bible does give clear principles for how we should live our lives and conduct our

relationships as believers.

 

When instructing and counseling the people in our churches, we must speak the truth

in love (Eph 4:15). We must then pray for the Holy Spirit to convict them, and for

God to lead them into obedience to His Word and will. Sin is to be repented from and

abandoned, not accommodated or allowed.

 

It can be a very painful and difficult process for people to acknowledge their sin and

repent. Yet the Lord’s grace is sufficient, even for this.

 

Remember: Divorce never needs to occur if we diligently follow God’s principles for

marriage and relationships. Every Christian, married or not, needs to daily invite the

presence, power, love and wisdom of God’s Spirit into his/her heart, home and

relationships – as well as diligently study God’s Word and follow its instructions for

relationships. This will give us the wealth of God’s divine resource to draw upon, and

will enable us to keep our marriage covenant and maintain a godly relationship with

our spouse.

 

5. The Church Leader: Setting A Godly Example

 

You are a church leader. Therefore, you have an even greater responsibility to

understand, and consistently live by, the Word of God. You need to give your

marriage the kind of work and loving attention it needs to become a shining picture of

Christ’s love for His Church (Eph 5:22-32).

 

You are not perfect, so your marriage will probably not be perfect either. But you

should always strive to grow and improve in your walk with God. As you are

transformed and renewed in your mind (Rom 12:2), you will become more Christlike

– more like God wants you to be. This will make you a more loving, faithful, devoted

spouse – and thereby strengthen and deepen your marriage relationship.

 

As a leader, you represent God and His ways to the people you lead. When you are

faithful to your spouse, you will be a powerful illustration of God’s love and

faithfulness to His people. This will assure those you lead that they can and should

always work to improve their marriage – to love more, give more, and serve more

than ever before.

 

Teach Others Also

 

As a church leader, you must never encourage or try to justify divorce. You must

encourage those who are experiencing marital difficulty to give and express

forgiveness in their marriage. Forgiveness is one of the primary keys to a successful

marriage. [This subject will be covered in more detail later in this teaching.] God

desires reconciliation of relationships.

 

But what if there are people in your church who are divorced? What should you as a

church leader do?

 

Be careful not to, like the Pharisees, treat divorced people in a condemning way.

Instead – while upholding the standards of Scripture – reach out with God’s love and

mercy to help them be restored to wholeness. Remember, although God does hate

divorce, He does not hate the person who is divorced. God’s love and forgiveness are

fully and freely available to all who have failed or sinned, when they call upon Him in

repentance (1John 1:9).

 

There is so much confusion and improper teaching on the subject of marriage and

divorce. This is complicated by the careless approach some people have to the

marriage commitment today. Sadly, in many countries, the divorce rate for Christians

is just as high as for non-Christians. This should never be!

 

But because of this, many people find themselves in very difficult and complicated

situations. They may have been divorced and remarried several times; they may have

children from many spouses, etc.

 

They finally come to a point of repentance, realizing that they have not lived their

lives according to God’s Word. What, then, is the best way to counsel them about

what they should do from now on?

 

In John 8:1-11, Jesus shows us how to minister forgiveness and restoration without

compromising the godly principles of Scripture. The Pharisees brought to Jesus a

woman who had been caught in the act of adultery. They wanted to try and trick

Jesus, so they asked Him if she should be stoned. He replied, “he who is without sin

among you, let him throw a stone at her first” (v.7). When the crowd departed, having

been convicted of their own sinfulness, Jesus told the woman, “Neither do I condemn

you; go and sin no more” (v.11).

 

It is clear that the woman was living an adulterous lifestyle. But Jesus declared the

truth to her, and then exhorted her to stop sinning and go her way. She couldn’t

change what she had done in her past; only Jesus’ forgiveness could do that. But she

was to stop her sinful behavior, and change her lifestyle from that moment forward.

 

People can rarely go back and fix the problems their sinful or unwise behavior has

caused in their own lives or in the lives of others. But they can repent and receive

God’s forgiveness for their sin. Then, having repented, they can begin to live life

according to the Scriptures from then onward. If there is something they can do to fix

the problems and alleviate the pain they have caused, they should of course do that

(for example, supporting the children of their previous marriage).

 

God will give them the wisdom and grace they need to move forward in their walk

with Him, and make good and godly decisions that are based on His Word and His

will.

 

6. Sexual Standards For Christian Marriage

 

Our ability to have a sexual relationship was something God created. It is important to

remember that it was God Who created them “male and female” (Gen 1:27). God

gave man and woman the ability to share sexual intimacy, and to enjoy it. Sexuality is

part of God’s loving plan for marriage.

 

But sexuality, when used improperly, can cause pain and destruction in our lives and

the lives of others.

 

To understand this more clearly, think of sex as though it were fire.

 

Fire is a helpful tool that God gave us. Fire enables us to cook our food and thus stop

our hunger. Fire gives us light and warmth. Fire can protect us by keeping away

predators. Fire can be used to forge or make tools or objects of beauty.

 

But in order to provide these benefits, fire must be controlled. It must be used very

carefully and kept within proper limits. At the right time, in the right place, and in the

right situation, fire is a blessing and a helpful tool.

 

But what happens if fire gets out of control? It could destroy your food, your

belongings, even your entire house. Fire out of control (at the wrong time, in the

wrong place, in the wrong situation) can cause great harm and destruction – even loss

of life.

 

Like fire, our sexual nature and drive was given to us by God. He intended it to be

used at the right time, in the right place, and in the right situation. The Word of God

gives us very clear instructions on how our sexual nature is to be used in order to be

good and beneficial, instead of harmful and destructive.

 

The Bible states very clearly that the ONLY time, the ONLY place, and the ONLY

situation in which sexuality is to be experienced and expressed is within marriage,

between a husband and a wife. All other sexual encounters are sin (iniquity) in the

eyes of God. Sex outside of the marriage relationship is sin and must therefore be

rejected by every Christian believer.

 

Please take a moment now to look up the following Bible passages: Exodus 20:14;

Proverbs 2:10-19; 6:23-29; 7:6-27; Matthew 5:28; Romans 6:10-13; 12:1,2; 13:14;

1Corinthians 6:9-11, 13-20; Galatians 5:16-25; 1Thessalonians 4:1-7; 2Timothy 2:22;

1John 2:15-17; Revelation 21:8.

 

These are just a few of the many Old and New Testament passages about proper and

improper sexual behavior. Take the time to study each one carefully.

 

It is important to understand that the Bible – and thus God Himself – does not regard

human sexuality as something dirty, profane or bad. Rather, the Scriptures reveal that

our sexual nature is created by God, intended by Him to be a blessing within the

marriage union.

 

Healthy Sexual Fulfillment In Marriage

 

The scriptural view of human sexuality is based on the following concept: Marriage

should reflect the loving relationship between God and His people. Therefore,

faithfulness and grace-filled sensitivity are called for from both husband and wife.

Many Old Testament cultures (and many cultures today) had one set of rules for men,

and a different set of rules for women. Often in such cultures it is considered

acceptable for a man (married or unmarried) to do whatever he wishes in order to

satisfy his sexual desires; women, however, are restricted to sexual activity with their

husband.

 

But the Bible teaches that adultery (sex with someone who is not your spouse) is a

sin, whether committed by a man or by a woman. This sin was punishable by stoning

in the Old Testament (see Exodus 20:14; Leviticus 20:10; Deuteronomy 5:18). The

New Testament speaks just as strongly against adultery (Gal 5:19-21), though not

making it punishable by stoning.

 

We, as Christian men and women, must remember that the Holy Spirit has come to

live in us (2Cor 1:22). We are supernaturally joined to Christ and His Body (1Cor 6:

17; 12:13,14). Our physical body is a “temple of the Holy Spirit” (1Cor 6:19).

Therefore, we must keep our physical body holy (1Cor 6:13-20).

 

The physical body of every Christian man and woman is to be a holy instrument of

God (Rom 6:12,13; 2Tim 2:19-21) to be used ONLY in a godly way. Our body is

NEVER for sexual activity with anyone other than our own husband or wife (Heb

13:4).

 

The unholy use of our bodies for immoral sexual behavior – and the unholy use of our

hearts and minds for lust or adulterous fantasies – violates the holy image of God in

which we were created.

 

What, then, is acceptable and healthy in the sexual relationship between a husband

and wife within marriage? Following are some key Biblical principles to help answer

this important question.

 

God created both male and female (Gen 1:27) for more than just producing offspring.

He created them to help and complete one another. They are to enjoy companionship,

friendship, and the intimate sharing of a life-long loving relationship.

 

The life-long unity of a husband and wife in marriage – their loyalty and faithfulness

to each other – is symbolized by their physical (sexual) union. The bonding that

occurs at this basic and intimate level will confirm, maintain and enhance this lifelong

unity.

 

The sexual union of a husband and wife deepens the bond between them – their “oneflesh”

unity – and is therefore sacred and holy to God.

 

Is Sex Unholy?

 

There were some in New Testament times who thought it was more “spiritual” to not

allow sexual intimacy in marriage. Some even went so far as to forbid marriage (1Tim

4:3). Paul addresses this issue, and states that such teachings are “giving heed to

deceiving spirits and doctrines of demons” (1Tim 4:1).

 

Paul addressed a similar situation when he wrote to the church in Corinth. Some of

the Christians there had begun to believe and teach that followers of Christ were not

to marry. Those who were married were being told to abstain from sexual intimacy in

order to have a ”purely spiritual” relationship.

 

Paul, under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, gives godly marital counsel to the

Corinthians and to us:

 

“Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to

her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband

does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the

wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may

give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not

tempt you because of your lack of self-control” (1Cor 7:3-5).

 

Paul makes it very clear that neither the husband nor the wife should withhold sexual

intimacy from their spouse. The sexual relationship is an important part of the

marriage union. Both partners are to freely and willingly participate. However, Paul

does give three conditions for a married couple to temporarily stop sexual activity in

marriage (v.5):

 

a. It should be by mutual consent (they should both agree).

 

b. It must be for a limited time (not too long)

 

c. It should be for spiritual reasons (not out of selfishness, anger, resentment,

etc.)

 

There are other times in the lives of a married couple when sexual activity might be

temporarily set aside – for example, during the latter stages of pregnancy, or if one

spouse is ill or disabled.

 

In the Old Testament, sexual activity during the time of a woman’s menstrual cycle

(“impurity”) was considered inappropriate (Lev 15:19,24).

 

There are times when sexual activity in marriage may or may not be appropriate. But

the important issue is that both the husband and wife need to walk in grace and

sensitivity to each other. Both should be willing participants in sexual activity, and

not feel forced upon or unduly pressured. Both should also agree together when

deciding that sexual activity will be halted for a season.

 

It is important for a husband and wife to clearly communicate their needs and desires

to each other about everything in their marriage. This is especially important when

dealing with something as intimate and personal as their sexual relationship.

 

Human sexual needs and desires were meant to be satisfied – and can be satisfied –

within the bond of marriage. Sexual relations are the seal and symbol of commitment

and intimacy in marriage. The sexual part of the marriage relationship helps maintain

that commitment and deepen that intimacy.

 

Our human sexual nature was created by God. Since He made us this way, He intends

for us to use and enjoy our sexuality as He has instructed us. God made us with the

ability to enjoy many different sensations. We can see colors, taste food, appreciate

beauty, and feel emotions. Our Heavenly Father “gives us richly all things to enjoy”

(1Tim 6:17).

 

God also gave us sexual desires, to enjoy within marriage. Read the Song of

Solomon; it is a joyous celebration of intimate love in marriage. The fact that this

book is included in the Holy Scriptures helps us understand that God wants us to have

an exciting and fulfilling relationship with our spouse. He made us that way and gave

us that ability. There is no guilt or shame in having a joyful sexual relationship within

the godly bond of marriage.

 

A Helpful Guideline

 

There is a passage of Scripture related to sex in marriage that can sometimes be

misunderstood: “Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled” (Heb

13:4a) What does the writer mean by this statement?

 

This statement is best understood as an exhortation for a married couple to protect

their intimate union from perversions (“fornicators and adulterers”, v.4b).

 

However, it also serves as a reminder that sex between a husband and wife within

marriage is not given specific restrictions in the Bible; it is instead given much

freedom. To live in this freedom, however, requires a guiding principle. The principle

that should guide a married couple in their sexual relationship is this:

 

A married couple is free to experience and express whatever their sexual desire is

with each other, as long as it is by mutual consent and agreement – and as long as it

does NOT include sexual practices forbidden in Scripture (see the next section of this

article for more about this).

 

Remember, sexual activity is a way to physically express love to your spouse. So the

chapter in the Bible devoted to love – 1 Corinthians 13 – is an excellent guide for

sexual intimacy. Ask yourself: In the sexual part of your marriage – and in all areas of

your marriage – are you:

 

·        Patient and kind?

·        Not jealous or proud?

·        Not conceited or rude?

·        Never self-seeking or insistent on your own way?

·        Not oversensitive or holding a grudge?

·        Not counting up past wrongs?

·        Believing the best of your spouse?

·        Protective, trusting, patient?

 

Take some time to read and study 1Corinthians 13. Pray about your relationship with

your spouse. Ask the Lord to shape you into the kind of person that will be a blessing

to your spouse. The Lord will help you!

 

Sexual Practices Prohibited In Scripture

 

·         Sexual activity outside of the marriage relationship is strictly

forbidden by God. This includes both sexual activity before marriage

(fornication) and sexual activity with someone other than your spouse

(adultery).

 

It does not matter what your circumstances are. The Bible permits sexual

activity ONLY between a husband and wife. There are no exceptions!

God made us, and He knows how we will best be fulfilled and protected.

HE is the One Who established the boundaries for sexual activity – for our

blessing.

 

To realize the terrible consequences of sex outside of marriage, just look at

the circumstances in the lives of so many people today. Much of the

disease and pain and many of the problems afflicting people and their

families have come from willful disobedience to God’s commands. He

clearly instructs us to keep sexual activity between a husband and wife

only. Tragedy and destruction will result if we use our bodies and desires

in a way that God never intended.

 

·        Homosexuality (sexual activity with a person of the same gender, such

as man to man or woman to woman) and sexual intercourse with animals

are strictly forbidden in God’s Word (see Leviticus 18:22-24;

1Corinthians 6:9-11).

 

·         Prostitution is also forbidden in the Bible (see Leviticus 19:29;

1Corinthians 6:15-20). Most of the Old Testament references to

prostitution concerned the use of male or female prostitutes in pagan and

idolatrous religious rituals. This practice of prostitution is especially

deplorable since faithfulness to the covenant relationship of marriage is a

picture of God’s love and faithfulness to us.

 

The New Testament adds an especially important reason to avoid

prostitutes. If we are members of the Body of Christ, how can we join His

members (ourselves) to a prostitute? (see 1Corinthians 6:15-20).

 

·        Galatians 5:16,17 clearly states that our natural “flesh lusts against the

Spirit” and that the flesh and Spirit are “contrary to one another”. Our

natural, fleshly desires fight against godly, spiritual things. This is a very

real battle that we all fight. But we can decide to honor the Holy Spirit and

not fulfill the lusts of the flesh (Rom 13:14; Gal 5:16; 1Pet 2:11).

As Christians, we have the Spirit of God within us (1Cor 3:16). Therefore,

we must not practice fleshly lusts specifically listed in Galatians 5:19-21.

In addition to adultery and fornication, the list includes “uncleanness”

(this covers all types of sexual defilement) and “lewdness” (a brazen

display of unclean sexual behavior).

 

Some try to justify sexual intimacy between unmarried partners based on a

“commitment to” or “love for” each other. This goes against the holiness

of God and the Biblical standards of purity. It is never right to indulge in

or arouse sinful lust, or to participate in unbiblical behavior (Eph 4:17-24;

1Pet 4:2,3).

 

·         The Bible does not comment specifically on the activities of

pornography and masturbation (sexual stimulation of oneself); however,

these activities are symptoms of a much deeper problem that the Bible

does address.

 

Jesus said that He came to “fulfill” the Law (Matt 5:17). This meant in part

that He came to reveal the true meaning of the Law of God. Jesus warns

that entering His Kingdom requires a righteousness that exceeds the

righteousness of the Pharisees (Matt 5:20). What does He mean?

 

Jesus was emphasizing the absolute importance of a righteousness of the

heart – not just an outward display of legalism or religiosity like the

Pharisees had. The Pharisees were concerned only with an outward show

of righteousness – how they appeared to others. They practiced an outward

conformity to the letter of the Law, but inside they were still unrighteous

and unchanged.

 

Jesus called instead for inward righteousness in the hearts of men (see

Matthew 23:23-28 for more of Jesus’ words about this). Our concern

should not be how godly we appear to others, but how godly our heart is in

the sight of God. “The Lord looks at the heart” (1Sam 16:7).

 

With this understanding, let us look at Matthew 5:27,28: “You have heard

that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not commit adultery’. But I say

to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already

committed adultery with her in his heart.”

 

The Law expressly forbids adultery. But Jesus explains that the act of

adultery is a result of lust that is already in the heart. The sin did not

begin with the act of adultery; it began first in the thoughts of the mind

and intent of the heart.

 

Jesus acknowledges that the Law can control outward human behavior to a

certain extent. Yet He clearly shows that God is concerned with the inward

content of the heart and mind.

 

In Matthew 5:27,28, Jesus reveals that the desire to commit adultery is still

adultery – even if it lacks the opportunity to actually do it. The sin is not

just the act of adultery; the sin of adultery also includes the lustful desire

in the mind and heart that leads to the act of adultery. The Pharisees’

legalistic attitude stressed outward actions, but ignored the sinful desires of

the heart.

 

Jesus is not referring to the momentary lustful thoughts that can sometimes

come into the mind. Such thoughts should be quickly repented of and the

mind immediately returned to righteous thoughts (see 2Corinthians 10:5;

Philippians 4:8; Colossians 3:2).

 

Jesus is, however, addressing lingering imaginations – such as lusting for

a specific woman or desiring impure actions with her. Indulging in

prolonged sexual fantasies reveals impurity in a person’s heart and mind.

These imaginations and fantasies are sinful and must be repented of and

changed – before they lead to even more destructive and sinful behavior.

Much of what is in the mind must first enter through the eyes. This is

especially true of men regarding sexual matters. What a man looks on with

desire will enter his mind, influence his thoughts and affect his behavior. It

is significant that the Greek word in the New Testament for “prostitution”

(porneia) forms the root word for “pornography”. When one looks at

pornography (sexual pictures), it enters the mind. A person who looks at

pornography is virtually prostituting himself with someone who is not his

spouse. This is why Jesus calls it adultery (Matt 5:28).

 

Continued use of pornography and sexual fantasy will affect our behavior.

“For as he thinks in his heart, so is he” (Prov 23:7). Therefore, “keep your

heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life” (Prov 4:23).

The things that we persistently think upon will change our behavior, our

lives and our destiny. This is why it is so important to obey Scripture when

it exhorts us to think about things that are pure, godly and Christ-like (Phil

4:8; see also Romans 12:1,2; 2Corinthians 10:5; Ephesians 4:22-24).

 

The Bible instructs us to give place to the Spirit, and not to the flesh (Gal

5:16-25); to not yield the members of our body to sin, but rather yield

them to Christ (Rom 6:12-14). Based on these and many other Bible

verses, we can confidently conclude that pornography and masturbation

have no place in the life of a disciple of Jesus Christ.

 

The commandments of God regarding sexual immorality are given through His own

loving character. He does not want to deny us pleasure or joy; He is the One Who has

equipped us to experience it!

 

However, He knows how we are made. Since He is our Maker, He knows how we

will function best. He is fully aware of the damage and brokenness that result from

disobeying His divine instructions regarding our sexual behavior.

 

God’s laws and principles are given to protect us and to enable each one of us to have

a fruitful, fulfilling, joy-filled and life-long relationship with our spouse.

 

THE BIBLICAL ROLE OF A CHRISTIAN HUSBAND

 

by Frank R. Parrish

 

Introduction

 

Societies and cultures throughout the world have their concepts of what a man should

be and how he should behave. Unfortunately, these concepts are rarely based on the

truth of God’s Word, the Bible. Commonly accepted behavior for a man or husband is

often influenced by earthly ideas and sinful human flesh.

 

Our concern as Christians, however, is only for what God desires us to be. The

clearest and best portrayal of what our Creator God intends for a man or husband to

be is found in the Word of God, the Scriptures. The Bible gives us the principles for

acceptable behavior and the example of the life of Jesus; both show us how to live in

a manner that is pleasing to God.

 

Godly Leadership Starts At Home

 

It is vital to recognize that ALL Scripture concerning the Christian’s life is intended

to be lived out in the home first. For instance, the Bible instructs us to “be kind to one

another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you”

(Eph 4:32). This is to be applied at home in our relationships with those closest to us

first.

 

Often, however, we try to behave in a Christ-like manner in public places, with those

whom we see only occasionally. Yet at home – with those we are comfortable with

and not as concerned with impressing – we may allow our sinful or fleshly nature to

rule our behavior or attitudes. The Bible calls this hypocrisy.

 

One of the things that marked the Pharisees of Jesus’ day was their hypocrisy. They

appeared very religious, moral and righteous in public. But their inner attitudes and

behavior were really very sinful. Jesus called them “whitewashed tombs” (Matt

23:23-28) because they had an outward appearance that hid the sinful attitudes they

held in their hearts.

 

It is much easier to be kind to those whom we might only see occasionally in public

places. We may not be truly forgiving or tenderhearted toward them, but we can

pretend we are for a short time. But when we live every day with someone, it is much

harder to pretend. The attitudes that are truly in our hearts begin to show.

No one is perfect in his behavior all the time. God understands that we can be weak

and may sometimes fail (Rom 3:23). We should not come under condemnation and

give up trying to live as the Scriptures instruct. The Bible gives us clear help and

instructions for how to grow in godly behavior and become more Christ-like every

day.

 

If we are truly Christians – followers of Jesus Christ – we will no longer live in a way

that serves our own fleshly desires. Instead, the Bible tells us to “put on the Lord

Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh” (Rom 13:14). When we do this, we

will not “give place [opportunity] to the devil” (Eph 4:27) to work through our lives

to hurt us and others.

 

It is very important that all men – especially those who are leaders in the Church –

understand and practice Scriptural principles. We should not just hear the Word – we

should do what it says (Jas 1:22-25). And the first and best place for a church leader

to practice what the Bible teaches is in his home, with his own spouse and family.

The Apostle Paul gave a very clear exhortation to Timothy about the qualifications of

elders and deacons (church leaders). These qualifications are all directly related to

how the leader lives in his home.

 

Open your Bible and read 1Timothy 3:1-13, especially verse 5. A person who has

learned to behave righteously and keep good relationships with those in his home, will

also know how to be a wise and godly leader in the church. A person must first

function as an elder (or deacon) at home; then he will have learned how to also rule

well in the church.

 

It is clear, then, that the principles of Scripture that should be applied to behavior in

the church should also guide our behavior and relationships in the home.

Let us now examine the portion of Scripture that most clearly addresses the biblical

role of a Christian husband: Ephesians 5:22-33.

 

THE GREATEST COMMAND: To Love Our Wives

 

Ephesians 5:22-33 gives husbands and wives commands that are essential to having a

God-honoring and healthy, nurturing marriage relationship. This article will look

specifically at the commands given to men in order that they might fulfill their Godgiven

role as husbands.

 

Ephesians 5:25 states the most crucial and foundational part of a man’s responsibility

to his wife: He is to love her. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved

the church and gave Himself for her” (Eph 5:25). This verse clearly shows the most

important responsibility of the Christian husband to his wife is to love her.

Just as love is the “greatest” of the Christian virtues (1Cor 13:13), so is love the

greatest key to a healthy, fruitful and lasting marriage. The husband is told three

times in Ephesians 5 (vs 25,28,33) that he is to love his wife. This triple-repeated

emphasis in one section of Scripture makes it very clear that a husband is to love his

wife!

 

It is when the wife knows that she is truly loved that she will more freely respond in

godly submission to her husband’s headship (Eph 5:22-24). However, a husband’s

love for his wife should not be based upon her response. He should love her in

obedience to God’s commands, and leave her response up to God.

 

But how does a man love his wife? How is the biblical kind of love in Ephesians 5:25

shown from a man to his wife?

 

A Choice – Not A Feeling

 

Many people mistakenly believe that love is just a special kind of feeling you have for

someone you like. Love does involve our feelings. However, true love goes far

beyond just what a man feels for his wife. Real love involves a choice of the will, and

results in actions that demonstrate that love.

 

Scripture tells us that husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the Church

(Eph 5:25). How then did Christ love the Church? How did He demonstrate His love?

Verse 25 says that Christ “gave Himself for her [the Church]”. Christ loved the

Church by the example of His selfless death. “But God demonstrates His own love

toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Rom 5:8; see also